I don’t know what’s going to happen anymore. (A letter to my friends.)

I’ve been emotional lately. It’s been one of those things where you kind of convince yourself, “Hm, how strange, I don’t know why I’m being emotional. How silly of me.” But deep down inside, deep, where you hide your worst traits, you have this feeling. This realization.

“Yeah, I’m scared.”

Well, maybe it’s just next to where MY worst trait is: My pride.

I’ve been too proud to admit that I’m scared about moving. I’m fucking terrified. I’ve spent my whole life convincing myself that I’m not used to keeping friends. I’m a lone wolf, you know? Always have been. My mother and I moved around a lot. I never kept friends for very long, so I learned not to make lasting connections. I was on the internet a lot, though. But growing up I was always told that the people on the internet were scary, anonymous, inhuman blobs of wild opinions and weird interests.

I hate to say it, but back in my day, people on the internet weren’t real people. And yeah, shit, it’s weird that I’ve reached a point in my life where I’ve understood using that phrase unironically.

Yes, I realize my perception may be different from others in my age bracket. I also realize that not everyone would agree with my perception. But I’m pretty sure that, that is what that phrase is actually implied to mean.

“Back in my day, people on the internet weren’t real people.” = “Growing up, due to my upbringing, I was compelled to interpret that people on the internet weren’t real people.”

It was just the way my family introduced the concept to me. So obviously, I never grew attached to anyone on the internet for too long. Everyone I interacted with I treated distantly, knowing that eventually they’d just stop logging in or responding to me just like everyone else did. And, soon enough, how I would do to them.

I even did that to a very important friend of mine and I’m deeply sorry that it took that long for me to realize I did that to you, Trance.

I’m afraid of doing that to all of you this time. I really don’t want to. I’m afraid of losing all the new friends I made on the internet recently and this is a very strange feeling for me. It’s fucking terrifying. Part of me doesn’t like it and another part is so fucking glad that I’ve realized why I’m shutting myself away again before it cost me yet another friendship.

I do that. I wreck friendships. Relationships in general. When they go on for too long, I become uncomfortable and think, “Nah, they don’t last this long. Time to move on!” And so I become self-destructive.

It’s gotten so bad that really at this point I think I have only one single person in my life truly remaining who had anything to do with the closest thing to my childhood. I purposely distanced myself from my brothers because I know I would “move on from this family” someday. I convinced myself I belonged nowhere. I’m pretty sure I’ve even disappointed that person and let them down a few times, too. And yet Lulu deals with my shit.

But shit, man… saying goodbye to my best friend knowing that I’m going to move so far away… it has never hurt that fucking much. But we’re bros, so we can’t show that. That’d be gay af.

Yes, I cried after my best friend left my apartment, okay? Leave me alone, fuck off.

You assholes are awesome people, I’m so damn worried about losing any of you. And I haven’t been talking to any of you because I know you jerks will only say shit like, “Focus on what makes you happy.” and “You do you, we love you.” and “‘Kay, but bring back french fries.”

But seriously, all of you are wonderfully kind people who couldn’t be selfish enough to stop me… and that’s fucking rude. Wtf, guys? Want me more. Jeeze. FIGHT FOR US!

No, crazy girlfriend antics aside, I am who I am.

You guys make me immeasurably happy, I won’t ever deny that. You all are wonderful people and I treasure you endlessly. Thank you for showing me that the dream family I’ve always wanted does exist. Now, Dad’s gotta grow it.

Let’s face facts, I’m a social fucking butterfly and I hate not having a booty or two to cuddle.

via GIPHY

So yeah, my online schedule is going to suffer, but I promise you all that I have no intention of leaving you behind. This family isn’t just online, it’s universal. I think this is why I wanted all of us to have our own ships but always have the same home base.

You are my home. My goal is to make my home bigger, not leave it. Nerds.

Anyway, basically, this is just to make sure all you losers don’t start thinking that I don’t care about you. I suck at texting just like always, but that doesn’t mean you can’t text me randomly. It’s never a bother, I rather enjoy reading through random texts after a long day. I’m still gonna keep playing my vidja games, and gaming without streaming somehow feels weird these days… so there’s that.

And I’ll be picky about the friends that I do make this time around. I need to find just the worst degenerates so they can fit in with you all. It may take time, so there’s that, too! ALSO IF YOU’RE OKAY WITH SLOW REPLIES LET’S RP PLEASE, I DO ENJOY IT, I PROMISE, I’M JUST SO SLOW SOMETIMES BECAUSE OF STUFF!

Kay, that’s about it, I don’t know how to end this letter now that I’m at this point.

Loveyoukthxbye.