Alright! So it’s no news that I’ve been kind of spinning out, not really knowing what I’m going to do with my life. Recently, I think I came to terms with the fact that I need to just decide on something and move forward. If I keep spiraling the way I am right now, it’s going to go somewhere quite dark… and not in the fun way.
As such, I’ve decided to write about it here. Why? Because I’m an egomaniac who thinks that his personal decisions need to be written out for others to read. Because you know, I’m that important. Jokes aside, is it bad that my coping mechanism isn’t something that stops at just normal journaling? Apparently, I’m so self-absorbed that my theraputic journaling has to be made public… man, I have issues. BUT! I digress.
Read on, dear reader. Feed my ego by showing interest in my plans for the rest of the year.
I don’t know why I decided to start on the hardest one… I honestly don’t know what I want to do with this game anymore. The RP family that I found here will always mean the world to me, but the game itself has lost a lot of its luster. Not the fault of the game, mind you! The game is wonderful and I will always be a Squenix Fanboi, but… I guess I just lost interest in playing the game.
It shouldn’t come as a surprise to me, though… I did this like four times with City of Heroes. Hell, I already did this on FFXIV once before, even… which makes me kind of sad. The family I had found the first time I fell in love with the game has mostly up and vanished… granted, a lot of those friendships ended badly, but I’m really worried that the friends I made this time around will fade away again, too. Some people might say it’s my own fault… but let’s face it, I’m not going to force myself to play a video game that I’m not interested in just to make OTHER people happy… that kind of ruins the entire point of playing the damn game: Having fun.
For now, I’m going to have to put my game time aside entirely until I feel the desire to play spark up again. If and when I come back to the game, I don’t honestly know if I’ll run an FC anymore (not that I’m really doing that now anyway). I also hate the idea of letting my FC and personal houses go… so we’ll see, I guess.
Some might be asking what this means for the Discord server… and honestly, I don’t see any reason it should go away. The Order of the Nesur isn’t just an FFXIV FC, it’s a bunch of people who mean the world to me, so you’re welcomed to stay. <3 However, if you’d rather stop getting pings about my egotistical blog posts, I understand. ;D
One of the reasons I’m losing interest, or just overall wanting to avoid FFXIV is that I want to really start focusing on writing more for Avilium. I’ve been looking at modern Wiki systems and am considering restarting up the wiki that I once had for the universe, or something similar. I’ve had a recent strong urge around world building. I’ve been very carefully choosing things I watch these days and as I watch them, breaking them down and analyzing them. World building, plot delivery, lore exposition, it’s all constantly on my mind these days.
I have a lot of plans for what I want to do with my characters. Now that I’ve finalized the ‘beginning of time’ story, a lot of puzzle pieces now need to fall into place and I’m really excited to do that. It’s part of the reason I actually bought the Chromebook that I’m writing this on now. The Chromebook lets me sever the connection to my desk and the mental correlation that desk now has with my IRL job, which kind of turned it into a toxic desk for me outside of work hours… thank you, COVID.
I’ve been toying around with an idea to build a role-play environment as well for other writers in Avilium. Something that draws a small line between “Non-Canon” and “Canon” Role-Play. I’m thinking of something that lets people be whatever and whomever they want, but if they want to be part of the ‘official’ world lore, they would have to submit stories that fall into the proper constraints of the world. So, a fun role-play between an oddly familiar blonde ninja and his brooding, emo love interest could totally happen in the environment, but if they wanted to make it official lore, we’d have a discussion about changing a number of particular details.
The idea is to give everyone the freedom to be whomever they want as well as have the option to contribute and build this vast, detailed world that would belong to all of us.
Another reason I’m going to be stepping away from FFXIV is to get my own health in check. I was recently made aware that I’m not particularly healthy anymore and that I’m on a bit of a slippery slope when it comes to my health at the moment. As such, I’m going to start forcing myself to go to the gym more often and get out of the apartment more often. Outside of my physical health, I know my mental health is suffering these days and part of it may very well be because I like being around people.
Yeah, despite being a nerd, I actually am a bit of a social butterfly in some situations. I love being in groups of people and meeting new people. Most of all, though, I’m lonely. Very, very lonely. I’d like to meet me a beautiful Mrs. Villanite some day and I just don’t think I’m going to do that through my online habits anymore. I’ve been trying that for 15 years and at some point you have to take a step back and realize that if something isn’t working for that long, ya might need to try something else.
Ah yes, the topic that many of you were waiting for. Don’t you worry, my faithful fans! I didn’t forget you! (Hi, Panda.)
It’s time for YouTube! Yeah, seriously. I’m going to start streaming on YouTube from now on. The thing is, I don’t think I’ll be streaming all that much still. I do definitely enjoy doing it, so I’m going to start trying to do it more often and incorporate it into my normal hobbies on weekends. Unfortunately, streaming suffered for the same reason my desk did. Since I use my personal computer desk for IRL work now, it has become a less-than-fun space after work hours for me.
My mind strongly works based off of association. I remember things because they’re linked to other things. Emotions work that way for me, too, and work is… well, work. Now, the thoughts and emotions that I associate with my computer desk have become tainted, unfortunately.
SO! While I won’t be streaming all that often, I’d like my streams to at least exist after I finish them. I really hate how Twitch deletes my videos and I know I can use a the ‘export to YouTube’ feature, but… if I’m doing that, why not just stream on YouTube directly? After a bunch of research and inner thinking, I couldn’t come up with a valid reason to stay on Twitch anymore, so I’m just going to stick to YouTube now.
So there you have it, I’m going to be focusing on my health, my writing, my love life, and on my streaming on my spare time from now on. Why? Well, this is what makes me happy and this is the next step I truly believe my life needs to take to keep me happy.