I Feel Like I’m Lost…

So… I’ve been dealing with this sensation for a few months now. I feel like everything I had going on in my life kind of lost all of its luster. Obviously, this is most likely a symptom of my depression, but it’s hard to force myself to do anything if there is little interest in any of it.

I keep telling myself that I want to get away from the computer and begin “working on myself” by going to the gym more, going to the beach, becoming more social… but honestly, none of it feels all that interesting, either. On top of all that, is a constant feeling of regret and guilt as the family I built in FFXIV keeps dwindling down more and more. I get it, no one wants to be in a guild with an inactive leader, but it doesn’t stop it from hurting. Worst part is that it’s not that they’re hurting me, it’s that I know it’s all my fault.

I’ve recently been struggling to stay interested in FFXIV. Hell, I’m struggling to stay interested in anything I’m doing these days. I feel like I’m just floating around, not really wanting to do anything anymore; just totally lost. If I was at least happy, maybe I’d feel better, but the worst part of all this is that during my aimless floating, I’m just spiraling more and more into my depression. Years of living with this have made it easier to manage, but I know it when it rears its head.

I want to role-play more, but I feel like I don’t know where to take scenes after their initial interactions anymore. I want to write more, but I just have no confidence in my storytelling these days.

I did take one major step, though. Universe of Aegra is no more as of today. Moving forward, it’ll be known as the Universe of Avilium. Long story short, Universe of Aegra sounds too much like Universe of Viagra and it took me 10 years to realize that… so here we are.

Honestly, I keep blaming my IRL work for everything, but I don’t know how much longer I feel comfortable doing that. I mean, sure, it tires me out mentally. Work is a constant ongoing conversation about deadlines and pressure, and by the end of every workday, all I want to do is lay on the couch and think about absolutely nothing. And a few hours into that, my mind goes back to Avilium. I begin thinking about the stories. I begin to feel bad for not writing. Then I think about FFXIV RP. Immediately, guilt sinks in. The people who are truly very important to me must feel so abandoned all because I can’t get my shit together.

It’s a vicious cycle and I really don’t know how to break out of it outside of just blowing it all up. I’ve honestly considered just going back to my RP partners and telling them that I just need to tear myself out of everything entirely. The dreaded Retcon.

Though, realistically, at this point, they probably wouldn’t even care. I have a strong feeling that all of them have moved on as it is, already. The sad part is that they probably have no idea how much I miss them like crazy. And that’s on me, I know that. I’m terrible at letting people know that I want them to stay in my life… why bother people with my needs, right? Ugh, it feels cringy to type that out, but it really is the root of that feeling.

In the meantime, I actually ordered myself a Chromebook recently. If working from home has become the cause of all this, I’m thinking that at least having a laptop that I can connect to Google Drive and Discord with might help.

We’ll see, I guess. I was hoping that writing this all out might help how I feel, or at least help me organize my thoughts a bit better. The worst part is that as I’m writing this on one monitor, the other is scrolling through desktop backgrounds of all the wonderful characters I’ve been RPing with and it just makes me even sadder.

I also recently started wanting to change the name of the Order of the Nesur to the Guild of the Nesur… or something less religious sounding, I guess. Though, I’ve also been putting a lot of over-thought into what Free Companies in FFXIV actually are and questioning myself on why a Free Company would also be a trading company… that’s not what mercenaries do, and that’s effectively what I thought Free Companies are supposed to be: Independent military units. The game really doesn’t give us much lore around Free Companies, does it? It just kind of tells us they exist and that’s that. So maybe it’s time to restructure the whole damn thing to be more lore appropriate?

Anywho… here’s hoping I’m able to write a more upbeat blog post in the near future. I’m seriously hoping I can get myself out of this spiral soon.